Eventually, I became more open to the idea that there was a Higher Power, and that I wasn’t it. This meant that I ultimately didn’t know what was best for me and could let go of the way I thought things should be. When I looked back on my life and saw how my best ideas had either led me (or would have led me if I had got what I wanted) into a heap of trouble and how the best things in my life were often nowhere on my radar, I began to create a little more room for God to direct my thinking and a little more room for me to exist as a whole person in the process.
However, there was still a catch. I’m a big fan of instant gratification and so I thought that if I was earnestly turning things over, I should get some instant feedback. If God wanted me to show up in a particular way, He had better immediately change me into the sort of person He would have me be. If God wanted me to make a particular choice, He had better allow me to make it effortlessly, perfectly and without hesitation. Without such clear and direct feedback, I was left in this terrible limbo, which had me feeling like I was far too exposed and potentially “doing it wrong.” There was no room for a process. No room for divine timing. Just a feel-good junkie who still wanted what she wanted, when she wanted it.
In the absence of instantaneous fixes and direction, I was faced with my humanity in a way that was almost excruciating. If I wasn’t aligning myself with something that I thought was “good,” and I was open to eventualities that I couldn’t see coming, that meant I was OPEN. Open to possibilities, which meant being vulnerable. This meant that I really was powerless over people, places, things, my addiction, my personality, my LIFE and this was frightening!
But there is good news. Being that open means experiencing the fullness of the present moment. I am less fragmented, which has given me greater compassion and the ability to make healthier choices. I’m less likely to swirl down in a shame spiral and more available to be honest with my friends and family. When control is underlying our attempt at surrender, the incongruence becomes more painful then the reality we are attempting to avoid. When we have to disavow aspects of ourselves in order to connect, that’s not real connection. When we have to jump through hoops in order to please, we aren’t in healthy relationship; we are being co-dependent (even with God). Surrender means bringing our whole selves to the table, and being open to whatever comes next, in whatever timing it arrives.Share post